Ashley Madison knows that marriage is a many splendored thing. You get the reliability of constantly expanding waistlines, with the excitement of sleeping with the same person everyday until you die. What one person cannot achieve on their own, like a threesome for example, is certain never to be achieved once you float the idea and your spouse shoots it down like a lead duck. But for every disappointment and frustrated desire, there is a complicated, shady workaround. For married people in the modern era, Ashley Madison is that shady place (and we’re talking door flap cut in the side of an upturned dumpster-shady, not People Magazine on a Sunday afternoon under a tree-shady).
If you have the wherewithal to to buy all your clothes in sets of two (so that nobody will notice when you burn one), then you’ve probably figured out that incognito browser windows, and secret cell phones and credit cards in your 3 year old son’s name, and billed to your office address, are an adulterer’s best friend. Those are all you will need to venture into the discretely awesome world of taboo love that waits on the internet. A team of highly trained adultery experts will analyse you based on the screen name you choose. “Asstastic-Mom69″ indicates you will probably be interested in inner city gentlemen who will appreciate your highly developed hindquarters and not get all hung up on which kid’s birthday it is, or why you didn’t put gas in the car before coming home. Likewise, “Submissive-BeardPAPA55″ indicates a propensity for letting it all hang out there, where it just might get spanked. Remember to come up with a plausible excuse for all those ass-bruises. The “I got shoved in a recycling bin by teenagers” line will only work the first couple times.
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